Lethal Weapon, Too

3 comments December 19th, 2010

This article is reprinted from Today’s Local News, April 12, 200

By Lois Swagerty

 On my latest trip through airport security, I offloaded sharp objects from my purse, quarantined my hand sanitizer and lip balm in a zip-lock bag and was careful not to say “balm” out loud because, goodness knows, I would hate to be misunderstood.

I obeyed the overhead sign that said NO JOKES and shuffled through the line with nary a smile or a smart remark.

And when I got safely to the other side, I reached into my bag and promptly sliced my hand open on the edge of a file folder.

Now I ask you, why didn’t they confiscate that? It’s far more lethal than any weapon.

They ought to forget about sewing scissors and knitting needles and concentrate on searching for office supplies. You can die from puncture wounds, yet they still allow staplers on airplanes.

There are a lot of things more dangerous than registered weapons. The zippers on my suitcase alone can inflict worse scars than a crazed tattoo artist.

Other household objects are equally as hazardous. For instance my kitchen cupboard doorknob has been known to jump out and grab my running shorts as I walk by. The macadamia nut cracker is another risky item. If you hold it too low when you are cracking nuts, it packs a pinch that could maim ’ya (rhymes with macadamia). It’s currently undergoing medical trials as a low-cost vasectomy alternative.

Hot glue guns are treacherous too, but it’s hardly surprising since they’re in the firearm family. My husband tried to stick our new daughter-in-law’s name onto a Christmas stocking last year and found out the hard way what happens when flesh meets hot glue. The verbal results sounded similar to when he gets under the sink to do plumbing.

Even a key chain can cause serious injury. My girlfriend gave me a shiny new Lois key ring which I promptly transferred my keys onto. During the hour-long process, I broke a nail, bruised a finger and permanently dislocated my left thumb. Maybe I’m just bad at key chains.

But my mind—or lack thereof—could be the most dangerous weapon of all.

After finishing the security strip tease at the airport, I sat on a nearby bench putting myself back together. (My friend Kelly tells me that in the Milwaukee airport it’s called the Recombobulation Area, which makes me want to fly there immediately.)

Just as I got up to leave, a security guy called out, “Did anybody forget their laptop?”

Sure enough, I’d left my brand new baby back in the bin. To retrieve it I had to list all its identifying features and sign over my firstborn. The big card on the front with my name and address evidently wasn’t enough.

When I got to the boarding area I had a bleeding hand and too many carry-ons. In between public announcements warning us to watch our bags at all times, I asked a man sitting nearby if he’d watch my stuff while I went to the restroom. Instead of having me arrested, he asked if I’d return the favor, which made us both criminals.

As for lethal weapons, I’m swearing off office supplies for the foreseeable future.

But if you break into my house, consider yourself warned: I’ve got a file folder and I’m not afraid to use it.

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Entry Filed under: work

I hate when that happens

1 comment December 19th, 2010

I got a paper cut on the lip from licking an envelope today. At first I tried to pretend it hadn’t happened by clamping a hand over my mouth quickly. I can’t even see it, but I know it’s there because it hurts like heck. And all to save a few bucks on envelopes. Call me spoiled, but once the self-sticking envelopes came out, I was hooked. Sort of like buying your first automatic garage door opener—there’s no going back.

I’m all for economizing, but saving $1 on a box of 500 envelopes by getting the lick-it-yourself kind?  Not worth it in the long run. Not when you have to have reconstructive surgery from the paper cut. And it could have been avoided. I feel bad for the Smile International kids who really need this surgery. Send the Mercy Ship to those who really need it. And with all the blood thinners I’m taking, I could bleed out from it. So is it a savings? I think not.

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Entry Filed under: blog